Dear mom and dad

I guess, it's one of the most ancient stories: parents vs. children.

I've thought about this for a long time and came to a conclusion that a good connections between the two parties is possible (I've seen it happen); all they need is - no, not only love, mere love isn't enough, I'm afraid - communication, understanding and respect & trust.

Most of the families have the love part of the equation down. Then on the list is communication, then we have understanding with lesser percentage, and the last comes respect, which in many families is almost lacking. 

Everyone knows the definition of the word 'respect', undoubtedly, but so many don't fully comprehend what it entails to have respect, especially when it concerns their children.

While we're small we need our folks to tells us what's good and bad, to help us differentiate right from wrong, to tell us that fire burns, to forbid us hanging out with dangerous crowds, to show & teach us how the world operates. As we grow older this sort of parenting needs to be slowly replaced with support, understanding, acceptance, trust and respect. Of course, I don't think there is a specific date or age for this: it's gradual and individual.

I know the scariest part of parenting is realizing that your children no longer need you. But this isn't true, we always need them, just not in the same way, not for the same things. True - we don't need them to tell us fire burns, but we want their support, when we do decide to stick our hand in that fire. There is always a need for them to give us advice and to think and care about us, but we no longer need them to choose and think for us.

Parents forget that when they were the age of their grown children - they already had families and kids. They considered themselves adults, which according to Merriam-Webster dictionary means fully developed and mature. So how does it happen that they were "fully mature" at our age, yet we're not? Why do they think we are incapable of making our own decisions, our own choices? Why do they think they know what's good for us? Why don't they trust us to choose the right path for ourselves? After all, this is our life not theirs; it's us who'd have to live with those choices for the rest of our lives. 
Well, it's many things, really: a little fear of being unneeded, a habit, maybe control issues, but mostly I think it's because they expected us to be someone else. Someone who would, with their help, fulfill the perfect life they pictured for themselves. 
But this is not how things are meant to work.

I've heard the same story many a times: "I wanted to be a 'blank', but my parents wouldn't approve, so I had to sneak around doing what I loved, now I'm successful at the 'blank'." And if not successful, then content.

Yes - we all make mistakes, yes - they've had more experience then us, however that doesn't mean they know how life would turn out in our case. They can't know what future holds. 

By not understanding our choices, by not trusting us that they are right for us, our parents undermine their own parenting job. By not trusting us, they in turn don't trust themselves. After all, the fact that we aren't drug addicts or serial killers, started with them.

Of course, I don't think they behave like this out of malice, and many people would tell me that it's all because they love us... To which I'd reply - Duh! Of course they love us. Why else do we forgive them? If someone other said the things we hear from our folks - we'd wage war on them.

They love us, that's why we care what they say. We love them, that's why it matters how they view us. Just a little more understanding, a pinch of respect, a spoonful of trust and then we can eat it.