The new me is the old me is the same me

Like cotton-candy: our lives come back to the same place we started, except, it's one layer over every time. 

If you've ever kept a diary, go back to it, and see that the way you thought, the way you dealt with things then (be it problems or happy moments) is almost exactly the same as is now. You get bothered the same way, you get excited the same way, our feelings are the same; if we were emotional - we still are, if we were introverted - we still are, if we were funny - we still are, if we liked nature - we still do, party animals – are still party animals... 

Sometimes, we reach an understanding in our 20's, and all of the sudden remember that we had the same understanding when we were 13, but from a different point of view; now it's a little deeper, a little more defined. And it has a different effect on us. I don't doubt that the same understandings creep their way in at various times throughout our lives, bearing newer meaning each time. 

Yes, we do grow, we do change parts of us, we do learn a lot, but the core, the hardware is the same. 

How many of us have said "that's it, from now on I'm changing this or that, I'm going to be different; no more..." followed by whatever it is we dislike about our lives? And then what happens? Habits go away, likes and dislikes switch places, some people in our lives disappear, new ones move in, we change our lifestyles, clothes, bodies, faces, hairstyles, work, family, sex, name... We might now like the detective stories we despised previously, we might move to a country which we hated before, we might start loving something unexpected…

That’s all external stuff that can and does change (if you are alive, that is). But the way we express love or friendship, the way we show our fear, the way we laugh, the way we convey any and all our feelings, the way we crinkle our nose when we smell a flower – that stays the same.  

There is a great Armenian saying which goes "կարմիր կովը կաշին չի փոխի" - "the red cow can't change its skin". For my non-Armenian speaking readers - it means: no matter how much you try you cannot change the color of your skin, which in essence means that being anything but oneself is simply impossible. 

Be specific or don't say anything

As I have established in one of my previous blogs - I like languages: I like to speak pretty and I like to "hear" pretty. Yet, when it comes to communicating a thought, beauty relinquishes its first place to being specific. Some forget just how important it is to be precise. I mean, why else do we have synonyms and ever-expanding vocabulary if we're not going to use them to better express ourselves?

Quite a number of people don't realize the impact words make on others or don’t pay attention to whether the correct word or verb was used to convey that particular thought or feeling. And so, the sentences are often incomplete, inaccurate, generalized; words are substituted for their more primitive “brothers”, while the content is lost… no, rather, drowned on the way. Not only does it make the speaker sound like an imbecile, but his/her words need deciphering, interpretation (which never leads to anything good), and in most cases what is said becomes simply hurtful.

*Side note: being coy while expressing a feeling is never the way to go.

*Second side note: never say “never”… or “always”.

When we say “I’m angry”, do we really mean “angry”, or could we mean “annoyed”, “frustrated”, “nervous”? When we say “you’re weird”, could we mean “different”, “unlike others”, “opposite of me”? Could “you’re weak” really mean “you’re too calm for my liking”?

I don’t say that we need to weigh every word we utter to make sure it doesn’t hurt others, because that would drive us “insane"; and I do mean "crazy", "cuckoo", "mad", "disturbed". However, if a thought, a feeling, a state of being or an idea is to be communicated to another being it has to be as accurate as possible within the confines of a language. Otherwise…

How many of us have heard the phrase “you don’t understand me”? Well… did you explain yourself fully? Maybe, the more accurate phrase is “was I able to make myself understood?”

To judge or not to judge

Here is the definition of the word "judge" as described by Merriam-Webster dictionary:

*A judge - one who gives an authoritative opinion

*To judge - to form an opinion about through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises

I purposefully highlighted the aforementioned details, because I've been noticing a growing tendency of ruling without having those qualifications or knowing all the facts before the judgment is passed. (I trust my reader understands that I'm not talking about having an opinion.)

And so I asked myself:

Firstly, if one isn't a "judge" by profession, then why is there a need to judge others at all? If their behavior doesn't have any impact on our lives, then why do we care how people construct theirs? How does that make our lives any better? Is it the need to prove that we are better? smarter? more "evolved"? Or is it that we want to improve the world we live in? In the latter's case: how do we know that the world pictured in our head is nicer, anyway?

Most of the time, people like the way they dress, what they read, whom they love, how they conduct their lives. Recently, at a party, I saw a girl who was dressed, in my opinion, quite ugly. But I’m positive that she wouldn't have worn it if she thought she didn't look her best. Who is to say that the person whose dress we condemned to death - isn't giving the same order to ours?

Secondly, we’ve all been on both sides of judgment. And I’m sure no one likes to be on the other side. No one likes to be talked badly about. Then why do it to others? One – it doesn’t show us in a good light, two - anything we do comes back to us like a boomerang. Plus, there is always a reason why people do one thing or another, it might not be to our liking, but it’s there. We can’t know why one listens to this piece of music or drives that “horrible” car. It could be anything… Maybe, that song reminds them of a passed love, or they don’t have the means to afford a new car… Or maybe THEY SIMPLY LIKE IT.

I always say “if you’re not hurting yourself and/or others – do whatever you like, what do I care?”

Why do we read?

Have you noticed that most people who read are somehow more connected with their surroundings, than those who don't? I am not referring to people who gobble up information as if they were Emile from Ratatouille (you know... the brother?), without knowledge or sincere appreciation for what it is they are reading; like big grinders.

And I'm not talking about the ones who abuse received information to gain power and then abuse the latter in turn.

No. I'm talking about the other readers. The people who gain seemingly unnecessary knowledge from books. People who cannot not read, but wouldn't be able to tell you why it is they read in the first place .

I had asked myself that question for years - "Why do I read? What's the point?" This was a puzzle I failed to solve. But what are friends for if not for this kinda thing, huh?

And so, I asked the one person, who I knew would give me an answer I liked (I never like answers I don't like), my friend S.P. His reply came promptly: "Perspective", he said. "We see the situation from a different perspective". And like an avalanche, triggered by his answer, the sub-answers to all my sub-questions tumbled onto me. "Perspective".

The characters in the books are not us. They seldom do what we would have done in their situation. They don't see the intricacies we do, yet see others hidden from us. The writers show different shadows to us, the character's point of view. There are adventurers and lovers, villains and regular folk, mothers, superheros, toys, animals, inanimate objects... There is no list to list all the creatures the reader gets to connect with and sympathize with through the books.

And then life happens. And you notice that you no longer evaluate people as you might have done before. Things don't seem as obscure or as puzzling as they did before. Connection level changes. Lots of things come into focus.

And then there was one last question. "Why is it so important to change my perspective, to heighten the connection level?"

"Ummm... It feels good", I answered.

Memory

Some of my friends have been worrying for years that their memory is slipping. Especially women with children - they aren’t able to remember the simplest things, like bringing cookies to school, even though they made the promise only yesterday.

My friends can attest to the fact that I myself can't remember events, conversations, even people. I had to meet some of my friends more than once, because I couldn’t remember meeting them the first time around. Now I simply let people know when I meet them: 'I’m sorry, but I might need to meet you again. I have bad face memory.'

While I'm not happy about this, I don’t worry about it at all. Contrary to my friends, I don't think this has anything to do with age. Besides, I think I have very good memory.

First of all: I believe remembering things is a talent. And like any talent there are different qualities to it, degrees, sizes, colors, shades. I know someone who is able to glance at a person for a second, then describe them in nauseating detail. But they might not be able to remember what that movie was called that they loved so much.

My memory talent lies elsewhere. In 6th grade two people exchanged phone numbers in my presence. I needed one of the numbers 4 years later. Need I say more?

I can quote books and movies, while I can’t remember the actors’ names.

Second: I believe our memory is similar to a hard drive. With years that hard drive gets full. Some of the older data is stored deeper in our brains, whilst new data gets bounced off as “unable to save, not enough space on disk”. Even more so for mothers: they have to remember their childrens’s “stuff” as well as their own.

If your hard drive is full, nothing new will get saved on it.

Third: When we try not to forget something – we keep reminding ourselves about it over and over lest we forget it, thus using our RAM & overloading our hard drive: 'don’t-forget-not-to-forget-to-not-forget-to-forget-not…' leaving very little "juice" for anything else.

As I said, “not remembering” doesn’t bother me. I put reminders on my phone – it alerts me when the tasks are due. I make “to do” lists for everything - that buys me a lot of time, and... hey, I meet same people again and again.

That's pretty exciting.