The new me is the old me is the same me

Like cotton-candy: our lives come back to the same place we started, except, it's one layer over every time. 

If you've ever kept a diary, go back to it, and see that the way you thought, the way you dealt with things then (be it problems or happy moments) is almost exactly the same as is now. You get bothered the same way, you get excited the same way, our feelings are the same; if we were emotional - we still are, if we were introverted - we still are, if we were funny - we still are, if we liked nature - we still do, party animals – are still party animals... 

Sometimes, we reach an understanding in our 20's, and all of the sudden remember that we had the same understanding when we were 13, but from a different point of view; now it's a little deeper, a little more defined. And it has a different effect on us. I don't doubt that the same understandings creep their way in at various times throughout our lives, bearing newer meaning each time. 

Yes, we do grow, we do change parts of us, we do learn a lot, but the core, the hardware is the same. 

How many of us have said "that's it, from now on I'm changing this or that, I'm going to be different; no more..." followed by whatever it is we dislike about our lives? And then what happens? Habits go away, likes and dislikes switch places, some people in our lives disappear, new ones move in, we change our lifestyles, clothes, bodies, faces, hairstyles, work, family, sex, name... We might now like the detective stories we despised previously, we might move to a country which we hated before, we might start loving something unexpected…

That’s all external stuff that can and does change (if you are alive, that is). But the way we express love or friendship, the way we show our fear, the way we laugh, the way we convey any and all our feelings, the way we crinkle our nose when we smell a flower – that stays the same.  

There is a great Armenian saying which goes "կարմիր կովը կաշին չի փոխի" - "the red cow can't change its skin". For my non-Armenian speaking readers - it means: no matter how much you try you cannot change the color of your skin, which in essence means that being anything but oneself is simply impossible. 

Be specific or don't say anything

As I have established in one of my previous blogs - I like languages: I like to speak pretty and I like to "hear" pretty. Yet, when it comes to communicating a thought, beauty relinquishes its first place to being specific. Some forget just how important it is to be precise. I mean, why else do we have synonyms and ever-expanding vocabulary if we're not going to use them to better express ourselves?

Quite a number of people don't realize the impact words make on others or don’t pay attention to whether the correct word or verb was used to convey that particular thought or feeling. And so, the sentences are often incomplete, inaccurate, generalized; words are substituted for their more primitive “brothers”, while the content is lost… no, rather, drowned on the way. Not only does it make the speaker sound like an imbecile, but his/her words need deciphering, interpretation (which never leads to anything good), and in most cases what is said becomes simply hurtful.

*Side note: being coy while expressing a feeling is never the way to go.

*Second side note: never say “never”… or “always”.

When we say “I’m angry”, do we really mean “angry”, or could we mean “annoyed”, “frustrated”, “nervous”? When we say “you’re weird”, could we mean “different”, “unlike others”, “opposite of me”? Could “you’re weak” really mean “you’re too calm for my liking”?

I don’t say that we need to weigh every word we utter to make sure it doesn’t hurt others, because that would drive us “insane"; and I do mean "crazy", "cuckoo", "mad", "disturbed". However, if a thought, a feeling, a state of being or an idea is to be communicated to another being it has to be as accurate as possible within the confines of a language. Otherwise…

How many of us have heard the phrase “you don’t understand me”? Well… did you explain yourself fully? Maybe, the more accurate phrase is “was I able to make myself understood?”

To judge or not to judge

Here is the definition of the word "judge" as described by Merriam-Webster dictionary:

*A judge - one who gives an authoritative opinion

*To judge - to form an opinion about through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises

I purposefully highlighted the aforementioned details, because I've been noticing a growing tendency of ruling without having those qualifications or knowing all the facts before the judgment is passed. (I trust my reader understands that I'm not talking about having an opinion.)

And so I asked myself:

Firstly, if one isn't a "judge" by profession, then why is there a need to judge others at all? If their behavior doesn't have any impact on our lives, then why do we care how people construct theirs? How does that make our lives any better? Is it the need to prove that we are better? smarter? more "evolved"? Or is it that we want to improve the world we live in? In the latter's case: how do we know that the world pictured in our head is nicer, anyway?

Most of the time, people like the way they dress, what they read, whom they love, how they conduct their lives. Recently, at a party, I saw a girl who was dressed, in my opinion, quite ugly. But I’m positive that she wouldn't have worn it if she thought she didn't look her best. Who is to say that the person whose dress we condemned to death - isn't giving the same order to ours?

Secondly, we’ve all been on both sides of judgment. And I’m sure no one likes to be on the other side. No one likes to be talked badly about. Then why do it to others? One – it doesn’t show us in a good light, two - anything we do comes back to us like a boomerang. Plus, there is always a reason why people do one thing or another, it might not be to our liking, but it’s there. We can’t know why one listens to this piece of music or drives that “horrible” car. It could be anything… Maybe, that song reminds them of a passed love, or they don’t have the means to afford a new car… Or maybe THEY SIMPLY LIKE IT.

I always say “if you’re not hurting yourself and/or others – do whatever you like, what do I care?”

Why do we read?

Have you noticed that most people who read are somehow more connected with their surroundings, than those who don't? I am not referring to people who gobble up information as if they were Emile from Ratatouille (you know... the brother?), without knowledge or sincere appreciation for what it is they are reading; like big grinders.

And I'm not talking about the ones who abuse received information to gain power and then abuse the latter in turn.

No. I'm talking about the other readers. The people who gain seemingly unnecessary knowledge from books. People who cannot not read, but wouldn't be able to tell you why it is they read in the first place .

I had asked myself that question for years - "Why do I read? What's the point?" This was a puzzle I failed to solve. But what are friends for if not for this kinda thing, huh?

And so, I asked the one person, who I knew would give me an answer I liked (I never like answers I don't like), my friend S.P. His reply came promptly: "Perspective", he said. "We see the situation from a different perspective". And like an avalanche, triggered by his answer, the sub-answers to all my sub-questions tumbled onto me. "Perspective".

The characters in the books are not us. They seldom do what we would have done in their situation. They don't see the intricacies we do, yet see others hidden from us. The writers show different shadows to us, the character's point of view. There are adventurers and lovers, villains and regular folk, mothers, superheros, toys, animals, inanimate objects... There is no list to list all the creatures the reader gets to connect with and sympathize with through the books.

And then life happens. And you notice that you no longer evaluate people as you might have done before. Things don't seem as obscure or as puzzling as they did before. Connection level changes. Lots of things come into focus.

And then there was one last question. "Why is it so important to change my perspective, to heighten the connection level?"

"Ummm... It feels good", I answered.

Memory

Some of my friends have been worrying for years that their memory is slipping. Especially women with children - they aren’t able to remember the simplest things, like bringing cookies to school, even though they made the promise only yesterday.

My friends can attest to the fact that I myself can't remember events, conversations, even people. I had to meet some of my friends more than once, because I couldn’t remember meeting them the first time around. Now I simply let people know when I meet them: 'I’m sorry, but I might need to meet you again. I have bad face memory.'

While I'm not happy about this, I don’t worry about it at all. Contrary to my friends, I don't think this has anything to do with age. Besides, I think I have very good memory.

First of all: I believe remembering things is a talent. And like any talent there are different qualities to it, degrees, sizes, colors, shades. I know someone who is able to glance at a person for a second, then describe them in nauseating detail. But they might not be able to remember what that movie was called that they loved so much.

My memory talent lies elsewhere. In 6th grade two people exchanged phone numbers in my presence. I needed one of the numbers 4 years later. Need I say more?

I can quote books and movies, while I can’t remember the actors’ names.

Second: I believe our memory is similar to a hard drive. With years that hard drive gets full. Some of the older data is stored deeper in our brains, whilst new data gets bounced off as “unable to save, not enough space on disk”. Even more so for mothers: they have to remember their childrens’s “stuff” as well as their own.

If your hard drive is full, nothing new will get saved on it.

Third: When we try not to forget something – we keep reminding ourselves about it over and over lest we forget it, thus using our RAM & overloading our hard drive: 'don’t-forget-not-to-forget-to-not-forget-to-forget-not…' leaving very little "juice" for anything else.

As I said, “not remembering” doesn’t bother me. I put reminders on my phone – it alerts me when the tasks are due. I make “to do” lists for everything - that buys me a lot of time, and... hey, I meet same people again and again.

That's pretty exciting.

Friend - Love

To me language is very important. And sometimes the language, the vocabulary just isn't enough. I have two examples.

Acquaintance vs. Friend

Like vs. Love

1. We all have people in our lives, who are more than an acquaintance, but less than a friend. What do we call them? Friends? No. Acquaintances? No. We need a word for that.

2. There are things I really, strongly like; I like them so much that they necessitate a word, which is more than 'like', but that isn't 'love'. To this there are more levels than one. There are things I like much more or much less than others. There are degrees of 'like'. I believe eight words in the interim of 'like' and 'love' should suffice.

I've been trying to come up with words for the aforementioned matters for years, with no avail. I am humbly asking my reader for help.

With love on Western Christmas Eve,

Anoush

Be your own best friend

Sounds easy enough, or so I thought. “Be-your-own-best-friend” is a muscle, which unfortunately very few people exercise. Most of us don't even know this muscle exists at all. I didn't, until a few years back. And I have to admit it's a difficult one to get to, and most of all it's a difficult one to put to work.

So what does "be-your-own-best-friend" mean?

It means - treat yourself as you would your best friend.

Here is one thing some of us don't realize: we treat others MUCH better than we treat ourselves. We are much more forgiving, loving and understanding, when it comes to others. But when it's about ourselves: we put ourselves on a trial, we become our judges, we are strict, unyielding, cold, mean…. And we sentence ourselves to death EVERY DAY.

Yesterday, I went out with some of my girlfriends. My friend X. (who just met the others) was acting... umm.... "peculiar". We all noticed it, of course. I asked her about her behavior, not to shame her, not to embarrass her, but to find out if she is OK. On the way home she felt bad, stupid, unwanted, strange, weird, crazy... She told me several times how embarrassed she is of the way she was acting.

I was genuinely supportive, loving, caring. I told her that it's OK, that who cares if anyone noticed it? That the other girls will not judge her; after all, how many times have we all been "different"?.

X. is not my best friend; in fact, I hadn't seen her for years. Then how come I treat her as I would my dearest person, but can’t behave that way towards myself?

I know that in her place, I would default to the same "inner-dialogue", during which my "inner-bully" would beat the s*** out of me. I, too, would be embarrassed, feel stupid, tell myself ‘I should have stayed home tonight'.

We have incredibly huge reserves of love and compassion, we are capable of loving many people and many things. And we do. It's a looong list of "things".

I do think it’s time to put our own names on that long list. Time to exercise be-your-own-best-friend muscle. Time to hold our own hand. Time to become kind, just and loving towards our own persona. Time to treat ourselves as we would a dear, close, BEST friend.

Buttons, not buttons

We all love to label one another: "She's crazy", "He's weird", "He's so stupid", "You're sick"... And we (the addressee) we believe those labels. We believe we are selfish, when our siblings say that; we believe that we are mean, we are rude, we are cheap, we are lazy, we are this, we are that. We believe it too much, and for a very long time. (This goes for "good" labels as well, but that is a much more complex matter. Those - some other time.)

Part one of my thoughts: I am a very good driver, but sometimes even I drive recklessly. Most of the time it happens when some one cuts in front of me, or tailgates me, or when I can't trust the next driver; in other words, I drive "badly" when the outside world "provokes" me to it, when my buttons are pushed. One might say "she is a horrible driver", but it's not true. It doesn't determine whether or not I'm a good driver, it is just how I REACTED. It's my reactive state.

It's the same with everything. The label that you are selfish was given to you at one moment in time, when you didn't want to do something (and you had a very strong, private reason for that), and your friend labeled you selfish.

Here is the thing: I realized that I don't HAVE to believe those labels. I can choose to see it as merely my friend's point of view, at a certain point in time, under certain circumstances. Everything is a perspective. Every label is valid for that moment only and only for the person saying it. Unless of course we choose to believe it. Which brings me to...

Part two of my thoughts: not every person deserves and/or is credible to be believed. Not every person's opinion is valid or has a basis to support it. When labeling, most of the people say things out of malice, out of fear, jealousy, envy, spite. Most of them are not qualified to "diagnose" us with 'kind' or 'unkind'. What do they know about your kindness? A week after they labeled you, they forget all about it. (Don't you forget when you label?) But you are stuck to that label and you fiercely believe it.

Relax.

They don't know what the hell they are talking about. They are lost, too; they, too, don't know what the hell is going on. They are scared and they "react". Some of the people labeling you - haven't accomplished anything. I want to say it again - A-NY-THING. Look into their credentials, make sure they know who THEY are, before telling you who you are.

Recently I was given an unkind label. Very unkind and very unjust. And without even thinking or pausing to think, I said "You are lying. That's not true". That was probably my intuition helping me out. Why would I believe someone who is unkind to me and unjust? Why would I allow someone to tell me who I am? Why would I believe that someone?

I realized, I did believe them. Before. But I don't anymore.

I know the truth.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's always about love!

No matter how much we pretend, or try to convince ourselves that we are independent and/or self reliant. No matter how much we try to run away from the truth, pretend that we are "above" it, no matter how much we have forgotten about it - we all know somewhere deep down (or for more honest people not so deep down at all) that EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ABOUT LOVE!

Seriously, though, it is. The whole purpose of being is to love.

This life, everything we do, everything we want is always, unmistakably about love.

No man would want power if he didn't want to have people love him for his strength.

No woman would want to look pretty if there wasn't a man or men to impress.

No flower would look pretty, or smell amazing, if it wasn't to impress the onlookers, thus spreading itself around the world.

No child would strive to become better if it wasn't to make an impression on his/her parents.

No musician would create music if it wasn't to have an audience applaud him. John Sykes ones said to me that the reason he started playing a guitar was to get laid.

When we love - we evoke and pull towards us positive things. Have you ever noticed that when you're single no one wants you, but as soon as you "obtain" a partner - many, many people want you?

My friends attribute that to the fact that the world isn't fair. I attribute that to the fact that when we're in love we start exuding it into the atmosphere from every pore of our being. And people are drawn to that.

I have noticed that a lot of people treat love as a guilty pleasure or who pretend that they are above love, that they are tougher, smarter, better, more experienced in order to fall to such silly things as love. When will people stop treating it as an illness?

There is another extreme, which I also dislike: we all know the "Sex & the City" fanatics, who ONLY talk about love (in their case aka sex), and only talk about man+woman love. Those talks make me want to puke.

The thing is this: all this "rivalry" between man and woman, all this war about 'men don't put the seat down' and 'women are crazy while on their periods' is sickening and it's (drum roll, please) ALL A HUGE BIG DISGUSTING FABRICATION! Women, just put your seats down, it's not that hard. Really! And men, you try having different hormones rise and fall every second day of your life.

We LOVE each other. That's a fact! Underneath all society-injected layers of low-self-esteem-creating junk... underneath all the piles of society-taught evil doctrines - WE ALL KNOW IT:

Ladies and gentlemen, it's ALWAYS ALL ABOUT LOVE!

Rains

Whenever it rains in LA - a lot of people start complaining about it: "Oh, I hate rains... Ah, the rains, how annoying... When is sun going to come out?" blah-Blah-BLAH "I can't wear my sandals. My clothes got wet".

WOW! Can you be a little more shallow, please?

Imagine living in England or Costa Rica where it rains almost every day. Oh, no, of course they wouldn't even set foot there.

I always want to SHAKE these people awake. Are you F*** serious? Are you really complaining about this?

And I tell these people:

1. If it doesn't rain - LA will become dry, desolate and bleak. But you probably don't care about that. I mean you might, but not on a deep level... not really. Otherwise you wouldn't be saying such B***S***.

2. If it doesn't rain - the reservoirs from which we get out water will go dry and the water outage is going to be even more "annoying" than the rain itself. Thank God, the nature doesn't hear their plea. Picture this: it's 117F in July and you want to shower... Oh, no! It hasn't rained in years, just like they wanted. Well... Yeah, good luck.

3. Really?! Really?! So 350 days of "perfect" weather isn't enough, you want to make it 365? How rude! So it's all about you? Who cares about the plants, the animals, the soil, the rivers, the oceans, the climate. As long as you're happy... and you can wear your sandals.

4. Dolly Parton said "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain". Nicely put, Dolly. Thank you!

Whenever I say these things to people I get the same answer "Yeah, I know, but...." followed by another series of "blah-blah-blah".

Enough bitching. Look at life from a less self-centered point of view.

People here are so used to the fact that bitching is OK, that they have learned many different ways of bitching about anything and everything. It's because they are spoiled. I would like to see these people live for one month, no more, in a third world country, where people have to endure all kinds of hardship, where they have to wait for days to get a glass of water, where getting rain is a matter of survival. (Check out what the goings on in Africa).

The bookstores, the internet, the media is littered now with all kind of media teaching us how to become more centered, more accepting, more grounded. But we pick and choose which parts of life we're going to accept. Apparently, rain isn't one of them.

Rain is part of life. It is as much a part of life as say... going to the bathroom. Imagine if every time we went to the bathroom we'd bitch about the fact that we have to go. Eghhh... How ANNOYING would THAT be?

I myself LOVE LOVE LOVE the rains. They are purifying, they feed the soil, they are food for plants, which are in turn MY food (thank you, Earth), they clean the air that we pollute every day, they inspire, their sound is intoxicating, they smell fantastic and they bring this semi-desert city to life.

I, personally, welcome rains to Los Angeles.

My commandments

So, my friend S. sent me a blog by this lady called Hiro Boga, who I hadn't heard of before. It is a very empowering blog. It might seem a bit new age-y, but it really isn't. It's great.

In one place she says: "Confusion is almost always a sign that you're dealing with energies - or emotions, or pictures or beliefs - that aren't yours. Clear out anything that doesn't belong to you, and then see how you feel".

Funny, because a couple of days ago I was telling my doctor that sometimes I don't know who I am, I don't know if I am acting, saying, behaving, living as my true self, or if everything I do has been simply "injected" into me by society, school, family. Do I act the way I - my core - would have, or is it the society that tells me "this is how it's done"? If I had an amnesia would I still be the same person as today, would I like the same things I like now? And this is what he told me: "When in doubt - look inside. If you are going against your own grain - then... don't". Ok, vague enough. But then he proceeded to give me the best advice anyone has given me in a long time: "Create your own commandments, write them down and never sway from them. If you do - then you are not being yourself".

Wow!!!! Really awesome!!!

OK. Excited, I started writing them down and...

So far, I have come up with only two of my own (the rest are from any and every religion's handbook - don't kill, don't hurt, etc).

The thing is: this whole commandments thing made me truly evaluate myself. Now, before I write my own commandments, I need to fully understand who I am, what I accept, what feeling/thought belongs to me; which one is an intruder? What do I like, dislike? At this time in my life, that is. I believe in evaluating my "soul" every so often to make sure everything is in top shape. Just like getting a physical every year to make sure I'm healthy. One might say 'inner spring cleaning'

I started thinking about lots of values, opinions, thoughts that I have, or maybe I don't have.

Every little and big thing was evaluated under the “new management”. For example:

Do I like lots of light in my place or do I like it dark? Minor thing, yes, but minor has a tendency of becoming major.

A few years ago I discovered with a shock that I don’t like light-colored furniture as I thought I did. I like it dark. It was such an unexpected discovery that years later I still feel incredulous: how did I have such a wrong idea about my own taste? And for so long?

If I was so mistaken about the little things, what other more significant things have I missed?

I started thinking about those, and it became harder and harder still.

Do I believe in marriage or what is my take on professional sports? 

Are these my own thoughts? Or have they been passed down to me through ages, conditioned by society, got me convinced by someone's reasoning? ... ???

Well... I better get to work to find out then, don't I?

Animation translations

I really like watching Japanese animation. It all started with "Spirited away", which is (in my opinion) the best animated film of all time. It even surpasses "Finding Nemo", which is brilliant.

There is one thing that amazes and angers me about the Japanese animated films - it's the translation. Most of the time I watch the films in their original language. That way I am able to hear the intonations and the voice that the filmmakers intended for the film.

Besides, the true essence is in its original form.

But I do sometimes "watch" the films in the background, while doing housework or working on my projects. Or because I don't feel like reading the subtitles or want to watch the film much more closely. In these cases I switch on to the dubbed version. And here are 2 reasons I don't like them.

1. WHY do the English actors and directors make the characters sound shrill? WHY?! oh, WHY!? do they scream? In the Japanese version the actors may shout, but because of their language, their native intonation and the pronunciation they sound somehow calmer and rarely like Banshees, which is pretty much how the dubbed versions sound. It's annoying to hear the nasty "attitude" in their voices.

2. For some reason the translations have "pockets" of completely different text. I have experimented on these films. Here is how I did it: in "set up" choose the English language with English subtitles and see the difference for yourself. Here is one example:

In "Spirited away" the Japanese version: Chihiro/Sen tells Lin "I'm going to go see Kamaji", to which Lin answers "I wouldn't. He's in a foul mood, because they woke him up". Then WHY is the English version completely different?

Sen: "I'm going to go find Haku". Lin: "Not Haku again!" Why the change? What's the point? Is it to romanticize the story? In that case, aren't we watching a different film? Besides, the real version makes more sense, anyway.

Plus, I find that the English text is much more explanatory than the Japanese version. As if they are translating for a "stupid" audience, which cannot put two and two together.

And for that "stupid audience" I am repeating: WHY?! oh, WHY?!